The Rush of a Thousand Heartbreaks
by lovethatleaves
Summary: Deals with the aftermath of Casey and Cappie's kiss and him leaving to go to Rebecca in the season finale, from Casey's POV.


"About tonight…" The words escape his lips in an awkward manner, uncomfortable even, and it just seems wrong to my ears. So very wrong and unlike Cappie.

I feel a lump form in my throat and I pray that the emotions I feel bubbling up inside of me stop there. I pray with everything in me that I can just get through this without crying - not in front of him, never in front of him.

More than that, though, I know he deserves much more than me crying in front of him and making him feel guilty. And I know that he would feel that way, I've known it all along. During the very first fight we ever had, not surprisingly over his commitment to Kappa Tau, I surprised myself by bursting into tears right there in front of him, mid-sentence. I still see and remember the look on his face in that moment so vividly – it was the moment that I knew he loved me. Even if he didn't or couldn't always show it, even if he sometimes, or even a lot of the time, chose something else over me – I knew he loved me.

It was in that moment I realized that I loved him back.

That was such a long time ago. It feels like a different world altogether most days. Our problems that seemed so monumental to me at the time seem so simple now, so easily fixed. Maybe they weren't and still wouldn't be, though. Maybe I'm just fooling myself into feeling and thinking that way because I miss him. I miss him so much that it makes me ache sometimes.

I miss who _I_ was with him, I realize. I realized that not so long ago and have been desperately trying to make the changes to myself and my life necessary to get that person back – to be me again. I've really tried, but it somehow still feels mostly hollow despite my honest attempts. I feel hollow. And lost, so very lost.

That's nothing new to me, though, as sad as that reality is. So, I paste a smile on my face, hoping that it seems genuine, that he won't see straight through it and through me, before responding.

"It was nothing, kissing a boy on the beach is number eleven on my list. Thanks for the help," I nearly choke on that, but push past it, plastering yet another smile on my face.

He smiles down at me and I wish, more than anything, that I knew what he was thinking. I wish I could tell if he knew and recognized my words as the complete bullshit that they were or if he believed them. It saddens me that I'm not sure, that I can't read him when it counts the most – when the truth would cost me so much.

I'm honestly not sure which would break me more. The former would mean that he couldn't read me, just as I can't seem to read him, and wouldn't that mean we'd lost each other entirely? That we didn't know each other, really know each other, like we once did. That thought is crushing.

I glance up at him once more, taking in everything about him, before he walks away. I can't help but feel like it may be for the last time - that this was our last chance. We'd just had one too many hit and misses.

I blink away the tears that have built behind my lashes as a result of my thoughts – of my deepest fears - as I pull out the faded list of the things I hoped to accomplish while here. Build a sandcastle, skinny dip, and so on. All things I thought would make me happy, make me feel free, but only one actually succeeding in doing so. I'll give you one guess. Pathetic.

I glance behind me almost expecting to see Cappie there but am instead met with silence and his absence. It stings, but then most everything about this does. I don't want to be alone anymore.

I shake my head slightly at that thought. No, that isn't it. I just don't want to be without _him _anymore.

I make my way to the beach, sitting down and shoving my bare feet deep into the sand. There's no denying that this is a beautiful place and the crashing waves before me are a beautiful sight, peaceful even. I just find very little solace in it.

I feel someone's presence beside me and look over to see my best friend, my confidant, the one person that knows both the good and bad sides of me – my mistakes as well as my triumphs.

I think she's the only person on the planet that knows what Cappie is to me – knows that he's the one person with the ability to truly break me, just as I've broken him in the past. I do recognize how badly I've hurt him, how many times I've gone to him when my life was in shambles.

Not because I wanted to use him for revenge, but because I felt safe with him. I knew without question that he would never hurt me intentionally, he would never be malicious or cruel – I knew that he loved me. Even after I left him, he loved me.

And that's what I needed. I needed to feel that, not from just anyone, but from Cappie. Being loved by him made me feel free, it made me feel like I wasn't just the Cartwright sibling far less brilliant than Rusty, or the 'pretty girl' of my hometown high school, or Frannie's little sis. Having him love me, knowing that he loved me regardless of whether I was or wasn't any of those things – it set me free.

Ashleigh knew this. I'd gotten drunk one night after a big blow-out with Evan over his family and to her shock, I started crying not about Evan but about Cappie. I don't even remember much of it, just bits and pieces, but from things she's mentioned from time to time, I'm pretty sure I spilled every secret my heart has ever known to her that night.

And because of that, she may actually get this more than even I do if I opened up to her about it, as I very seldom allow myself to go there concerning Cappie, even in my own mind. She just _knows_ me and I'm more than a little relieved to see her sitting beside me now.

"Do you think it's possible to meet someone and just… feel that they're your soul mate?"

My heart sinks at her question and I glance away, wishing she had asked me anything in the world but that. Do I think it's possible? Yes. Do I wish that it weren't? Absolutely.

"Yes," I state firmly, cringing at the slight, most likely undetectable to anyone but myself, quiver in my voice. I swallow the lump in my throat that I feel I'll never be rid of before responding, hopefully with a lighter, somewhat neutral tone. "But I have to believe that we have many soul mates. If not, the world has a really twisted sense of humor, right?"

She looks at me in the way that only a real best friend can and I know I've failed. "What happened tonight?" I sigh.

"I was on a search mission for your monster when I ran into -" I stop myself, shaking my head in frustration. "You know what? No. I'm not going to tell this story. You've heard it a million times anyway."

I sneak a glance at her, silently begging that she'll let this go. Let me off the hook. Give me the easy way out just this once, even though I know I wouldn't give her one if roles were reversed. It's just the way we are with each other. It's why we're such good friends, such important presences in one another's life.

"… but it sounds important." She pushes, just as I'd guessed and knew she would.

"What's important is I am watching a beautiful sunrise with my _best_ friend," I even manage to laugh as I bring her closer to me, wrapping my arms around her – feeling much less broken and tattered than I had just moments ago. Maybe this could be okay, maybe… maybe I'm stronger than I think.

"No matter what, we'll remember this moment forever." She gushes, smiling widely – a smile that reaches her eyes, causing them to sparkle and shine even in the dim light. I wonder if the smile on my face mirrors her own. I wonder if my eyes look as warm and as peaceful as hers do to me.

I know that they don't.


End file.
